This morning, in a random conversation with Luke, I found myself telling him my reaction to finding out he was a boy, when I had an ultrasound with him.
Later, in a spontaneous conversation with a friend, I relayed my experience with choosing/knowing there were more kids to come to our family after the first three. And though, this certainly isn't the forum to repeat the spiritual experience, both of these conversations have been on my mind for most of the day.
Any good parent knows that though we may not have 'a' favorite, we love/like our children for different reasons. And really, when you add up all those different reasons, the love is pretty much equal all the way around.
Megan of course, has that oldest child advantage. Of all of the children, she was loved first. There are no words really to describe the anticipation and experience of becoming a mother for the first time. Mike and I remember looking into her little cradle the first night we were home, and wondering what in the world we were going to do with her. It is no secret that growing up I always said I was going to have all boys. That is what I thought I wanted. Megan of course changed that, but I loved it. I loved pink. I loved hair bows. I loved pretty dresses. I loved having a baby girl.
Megan is my favorite. Megan made me a mother, she made all my little girl wishes of growing up and becoming a mom, come true.
Luke is my favorite. Luke was the little boy I wanted so badly.
wanted a third. The day I found out I was pregnant with Ellie, I made a dessert and put in the fridge with a sign in it for Mike to read when he got home, "See you in May, Love The Stork." We decided early on with the pregnancy, that since we had a girl and a boy already, we'd be surprised at delivery. Only problem was, there would be no need for a surprise. I knew she was a little girl, and her name was already picked out, "Annie Louise." A couple of hours after Ellie was born, it was just she and I in the hospital alone. I could not settle, I could not rest. She wasn't an Annie. I even shed a few tears, but she was not Annie. She was Ellie, Ellie Louise.
Ellie is my favorite. Ellie was the baby, no one had to tell me what she was, we were already connected. I knew she would be my little girl.
Joshua is my favorite. Joshua is the little boy that 'whispered' to me that he still needed to come.
Drew. When Mike and I made our initial decision to have Joshua, deep down I knew there would be another one too. I also knew it would be my last. I tried to savor each part of my pregnancy with Drew. I tried to complain a little less, and feel blessed a little more. Each time he kicked inside of me, I recognized the miracle of a life inside of me. Each time he awoke for those middle of the night feedings, I tried to appreciate the temporary stage of a newborn. And just the other day, when Drew attempted to take a step from the couch to my open arms, I cried.
Drew is my favorite. Drew will always be my baby.
We all have our favorites.
Whether we'll admit it or not.